I’m Críostóir. If someone were to ask how my life has been thus far the first answer that would fall out of my mouth is happy. I generally feel happy about my life. I’m close to my family. I have a job that I’m passionate about and I enjoy and most of all I have a wonderful partner. I’m genuinely excited about the future and happy where life is taking me.
It wasn’t always this way. There’s been some very dark parts to my life thus far. I often describe it as though some has taken a dirty black marker and scored out parts of my life. I do feel fortunate though.
I’ve had extreme issues around body image for as long as I can remember. I hated the way I looked growing up and I tried to use a lot of different methods to make myself look different. Some of these were simple things like adopting a good skincare routine from a young age to develop smooth “feminine” skin. Others were more harmful, like starving myself to look smaller and more fragile.
Having an unhealthy obsession with controlling the way I looked got me a lot of approval. My peers in school would often makes comments about how much I looked like a girl. The girls would inform me that I had a high fashion figure being so stick thin. The fact that I was living as a male never came into it. I enjoyed that. Continue reading “Having a Body Image Disorder in a World Obsessed with Bodies”
I awake early and look over my bags. I packed last night, but I have no idea whether I’ve even brought the right stuff. I’ve never stayed in a hospital before. I’ve never known anyone who was in a psych ward. Sitting on my bed, I have a few silent tears. My room is a complete mess. It hasn’t been cleaned in weeks. There are takeaway cartons and dirty dishes lying around it. I’ve barely been able to get out of bed the last few days.
My Dad is on his way and I resist the urge to get back into bed, pull the duvet over my head and sob. I agonised over what to wear. I thought it was best to dress in jeans, a long top and a cardigan. The most casual outfit I own. I didn’t want to dress up and look like I wasn’t sick enough. I laugh at this thought now, but I really had no idea what to expect. Continue reading “My First Day in the Hospital”
I suppose I was quite nervous about turning twenty. I thought it was the age where you declare yourself an adult. The age where everyone expects you to stand on your own two feet. Although I don’t know why that would make me nervous because I’ve pretty much been standing on my own two feet for a long time now.
I was surprised to discover that this wasn’t true. People still view you as being quite young when you’re twenty. I remember during one appointment with a doctor, I expressed frustration with some of my friends in regards to my illness. But she told me that I can’t expect too much from twenty year olds. Continue reading “How it Feels to be Twenty.”
There are so many people who let me down when I was in the hospital. More than I ever could have imagined there’d be. Being honest, I’m quite bitter about it. But I need to let go of that bitterness.
One thing I never wanted to be was bitter. I’ve always believed that bitterness halts you. It keeps you in a moment that’s already passed. And it’s an understatement to say that I feel ready to move on from my time in the hospital. It seems to be all I’ve focused on for the past few months. One of the ways I can move on is by forgiving each of you.
I’ve probably told you almost everything about myself at this point. Nothing’s really been off limits when it’s come to opening up on my website or in my videos. However, I’m going to share 30 facts about me that you may or may not know. Continue reading “30 Facts About me.”
We live in a diverse world, I think most people see that nowadays. It’s a world where people are all on incredibly different journeys. Journeys most of us haven’t even begun to understand. Almost every day, I read an article or book about someone’s life which helps me to see things from a new perspective. I think this is the case for many of us nowadays with our online world. There’s less room for black and white thinking. That’s a benefit of social media which we don’t hear about often enough. This means that it’s time to embrace the grey.
Ep.31: Is your boyfriend gay? – Niamh Horan and Laylah Beattie on smears, pansexuality and fantasies
On this week’s Girls With Goals, we’re joined on the panel by Sunday Independent journalist Niamh Horan alongside writer and blogger Laylah Beattie. An advocate for trans people in Ireland since transitioning herself, Laylah wants to share her story in the hopes of helping other young people who are struggling with their gender identity. Well known for her divisive journalism, Niamh Horan speaks out … Read More Ep.31: Is your boyfriend gay? – Niamh Horan and Laylah Beattie on smears, pansexuality and fantasies
Something that many wouldn’t know about me is that I’m a big fan of horoscopes. I wouldn’t follow them to the letter or anything like that, but I’d read mine nearly every week. I know that there are many people who scoff at those who believe in the zodiac and I wouldn’t call myself a firm believer. However, it can’t be denied that I’m a classic libra. Prepare for an awful lot of self complimenting because I’m going to start with the good.
Joining the panel this week for the final Brendan O’Connor’s Cutting Edge of the season is Dr Ciara Kelly, Diarmuid Gavin and Laylah Beattie discuss leaving cert stress, going off drink, the end of friendships and ask if we’re too obsessed with our pets.
The third time I went to A&E to insist that something was wrong with my mental state, I went alone. It was a Monday, I had spent the weekend sobbing feeling overwhelmed at the thought of leaving my bed and I’d had enough. I’d been accompanied the last two times I went to A&E and having other opinions in the mix made me ignore my instincts and back down from what I was certain that I needed-to be hospitalised.
I don’t know where that certainty arose from. I’d never known anyone who went to a psychiatric hospital before, but I knew I wouldn’t make it through if I tried to heal myself on my own.
I would definitely label myself a survivor, but sometimes it’s been to my own detriment. I saw it as my responsibility to overcome my obstacles that were in my way. I burdened myself with a need to handle different situations in a “correct” way.
It was really harmful to think this way and ultimately it lead me to burn out. By the time I arrived in the hospital, I had exhausted my defence mechanisms. I was completely vulnerable to anything and everything
A common theme in my writing is the harassment I get on the street and through other experiences in my day-to-day life. I’ve never sugarcoated or been shy of talking about it. I hoped that doing this would help to improve things. I hoped it would make people think about their actions. But who am I kidding? None of those people are reading my writing.
This harassment has always come in waves. At different points in the year (sunny days, occasions for a lot of drinking) the harassment will get worse. At other points in the year, my days are relatively untouched by dickheads. But I’ve noticed something lately.
Laylah Beattie, formerly known as David Beattie is an author of two books, Just Saying and Who Cares? Both memoirs document her world view and her gender transition. Laylah has modelled for numerous brands and has worked as an activist for the LGBT community. She has appeared on the Late Late Show and most recently was the first transgender person to appear on First Dates, Ireland. I catch up with this inspirational lady to see what makes her tick.