I am a firm believer in tying up loose ends when it comes to romantic relationships. The phrase “tying up loose ends” sounds like such a cliché but I feel that there is a definite merit in doing this. Things might not go back to normal for you after you’ve made an effort to get closure but, in my experience, things get a lot easier. I am aware that it’s not possible to do this in some situations but when it is, I believe that it is of utmost importance.
Let’s go back to the time (that I seem to never stop referring to) when I fell in love with a very good friend of mine. These feelings snuck up on me without me even knowing what they were or what they meant. When I finally did realise that I was, for the first time, experiencing “The Big L,” I knew that something had to be done. My first resolution was to try and hide this fact. I lasted about a week.
Trying to carry on like everything was normal when my perception of the world had completely changed proved impossible for me. The minute I remembered that I was not the type of person that can easily hide my feelings, I went to plan B. (I’d like to add that I feel quite weary when I talk about such personal details. You may ask why am I doing it then? To that I tell you to mind you own business).
Plan B consisted of me telling him how I felt. I made the decision sitting behind him in a class. I never concentrated in class and often made some of my biggest decisions while I was staring confusedly at the board or at the pimples on the back of some teenager’s neck. I sat in my itchy uniform, while my maths teacher spoke about something that I did not understand and I thought about all of the feelings that I had bottled up.
It’s never been in my nature to bottle up my emotions. I’m sorry if you can’t understand my need to express those feelings. Maybe you are happy keeping things to yourself and never letting the people around you know how you really feel. Maybe you don’t tell people when they are being annoying or when you’re in love with them or when you have indigestion. Maybe that’s an existence that works for you. For me, it does not. Bottling up what I was feeling literally landed me in counselling, where I learned not to keep toxic emotions inside.
Maybe sometimes I take this too literally. Maybe letting things go should only refer to big things like when I’m in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. Or angry, because someone just kicked me in the middle of the street and no one around me took any notice. Maybe I shouldn’t message all of my friends when I trip in front of a crowd or when a cashier openly enquires whether I’m a boy or a girl. But I like to talk. This annoys some people and to them I say, shut up. I know. That’s rich coming from me. A person who loves to talk about himself so much that he literally wrote an autobiography at eighteen years of age but no one is forcing you to listen to me.
Back to my dilemma. I had to tell this boy that I was now in love with him and that it was killing me to see him every day. That night I told him everything. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t expect him to drop to his knees and declare his love for me. I didn’t think that he’d drive to my house in a golden carriage before taking my hand and telling me that my penis doesn’t matter. I didn’t expect a teenage boy to be progressive enough to see the woman inside me before I even saw her myself.
I did, however, expect him to respect my feelings and accept my wishes (to give me space.) I was lucky in that he respected me enough not to tell the whole school and start a scandal. He also accepted the fact that, for a week or two, I would either walk straight past him pretending that he wasn’t there or I would saunter up and engage him in conversation. I was confused, I was impulsive (I am probably still both of these things), I was heartbroken.
It soon occurred to me that I could no longer be his friend. I was crippled by any reminder of him and I hated the thought of being around him. It’s a pity that this is what I had to do but I do not regret it. It was the only way I could work through my feelings.
So that is my method for tying up loose ends when it comes to crushes or love:
- Be open with the person in question.
- Hope that they will treat you with understanding and compassion.
- Find out what works best for you (it’s better to ask yourself this question and not the people around you) and do it.
- Eat lots of chocolate.
- Sing, laugh, cry, dance in the rain, do what you can to move past this chapter of your heart.
- Understand that it will take as much time as it takes, which could be a lot longer than you’d think (for me it was over a year).
- Be kind to yourself throughout. It is okay to feel and it is okay to be open about those feelings. You did the right thing. Now find yourself and move past them.
I will revisit this topic at another point with another story of my past. Until then, good luck with your loose ends (that actually sounds quite rude and disgusting).
Watch my video about how I’m so honest in my writing below:
Read part two of Loose Ends here.