Every now and again, I try to treat myself to a night of glamour that’s straight out of the movies. Occasionally I succeed but the majority of the time it ends up going not remotely close to the original plan. The other day I was alone in the apartment for the weekend. I had a busy week of assignments ahead of me and the upcoming exams were looming over my head. So naturally, I decided to take a relaxing bath.
I lit some candles, found half a bottle of red wine and played some Lana Del Rey music (By the way I am aware that my writing resembles a continuous advertisement for Lana). I decided to make a homemade bath bomb. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before but I love to use natural beauty tricks. On this occasion I experimented with my own bath bomb using ingredients that I know are good for your skin.
I went into my kitchen to see what I could find and I discovered loose green tea leaves, porridge, cranberry juice, sugar and coconut oil. The loose green tea leaves had peppermint and berry flavours mixed in with them. The porridge was a sachet that I had gotten free in a bag of food that they gave us when we started college and as we all know oats are good for your skin (Okay maybe we don’t all know this. I was trying not to seem weird). A friend of mine had left the cranberry juice after recent pre-drinks that I had hosted and I thought why not throw it in? After all sugar and fruit is good for your skin.
While Lana played from my phone, I ran the bath, sipped my wine and poured in the ingredients (the use of the term ingredients makes it sound as though I’m cooking or baking. This is almost fitting considering the end of this story). As the bath began to mix all of its components, my bathroom was filled with a surprisingly delicious smell. I added cherry shower gel from the body shop into the mix, creating sweet smelling bubbles.
After taking a Snapchat of my divine looking bath and letting the world know the glamorous life that I was leading, I let my silk dressing gown fall from my shoulders. I then stepped into the intoxicatingly warm bath, inhaling all of the scents. As I sank lower into the water, I felt the tea leaves and oats swirling around me (it wasn’t as disgusting as it sounds). After a few minutes I put on a face mask and rubbed coconut oil into my scalp. After shaving my legs and massaging my feet, I lay down and relaxed while Lana sang to me. It was all very romantic really.
Until my roommate turned off the bathroom light. She had obviously seen that the light was on while she walked past and thought that it had been carelessly left on. For some reason my brain stopped functioning when this happened and I didn’t think to call to my roommate informing her that I was actually in the bath. Instead I listened to her footsteps as she walked down the hall and fumbled around my pitch black bathroom until I could find the door and switch the light on.
When I returned to the bath I was horrified to discover that it had turned cold. I know what you’ve been thinking up until now. How the hell do I manage to fit all 6”3 of me into a bath? The truth is I don’t. I adore baths, but I have to fold myself into yoga style positions in order to sit in them. How do I remedy this? I boil the shit out of myself. I literally fill the bath with scalding water before jumping in and cooking myself until I resemble a lobster. Unfortunately, this means that when the water begins to turn cold, I suddenly become aware of the parts of my body that are not under water. Basically I feel like a giraffe standing in a puddle.
So now that the water had turned cold the fun really started. That was when I realised the crucial mistake that I had made. I had forgotten to heat the water while I was in the bath. This was for the purpose of washing off any clumps (I’m sorry but it’s late and I can’t think of a better word) that had stuck to me.
I pulled the plug and the water drained (obviously), but I was horrified when I saw that the porridge and the green tea had merged to form green porridge that stuck to the sides of the bath as well as to my skin. I watched helplessly as the water went down the drain, leaving behind putrid piles of green slush. So there I sat; shivering, naked and covered in green porridge. My skin was certainly smooth but I was far from relaxed. I tried to turn on the shower to wash it off but the water was cold and I’m somewhat of a wuss when it comes to the cold (I have been known to have traumatic nightmares where I am forced to take an ice bath).
So I stood up and listened agonisingly to the sound of green porridge plopping off my skin and into the bath. After wiping as much of it off as I could, I stepped back into my dressing gown feeling the green porridge sticking to the silk. I was far too afraid that I would clog the drain if I attempted to wash it off the sides of the bath. How would I explain to my landlord that I had clogged the drain with a green goopy mixture after simply taking a bath? I’m pretty sure she would call the National Health Organisation (Side note: I sincerely hope that my landlord is not one of my readers, or my roommates for that matter).
I frantically began scooping the mixture out with my hands and transferring it to the toilet, flushing every few scoops to prevent it from clogging. It was a long process. By the way if you’re wondering why I had so much mixture it’s because I poured around three mugfuls of green tea leaves into the bath. In case you didn’t already know, I’m not really one for doing things by halves.
All I could think while I was doing this was how my relaxing, glamorous night was now literally going down the toilet. After clearing the bath as much as I could, I put on my pyjamas and slept in the sticky green porridge. The next morning, I washed my pyjamas, my duvet and myself. I think it’s safe to say that I will just be using shower gel for the foreseeable future.
Watch how I’m staying sane while putting on weight with an eating disorder below:
Read about the opinions of my primary school peers here.