Before I start, I want to make a few things clear. When you’re reading this please don’t assume that I’m ungrateful or oversensitive. Don’t think that I’m unreasonable for expecting a lot for myself. Do not mistake my resentment of pity as a resentment for investment. I love to see that people are invested and care for me, but I just cannot stand it when people pity me or show too much concern for my wellbeing.

I hate the assumption that I’ve had or have a difficult life. Honestly, people have no idea what I go through. I actually believe that I’m happier than a lot of the people around me. It’s annoying that people find that so hard to believe. People seem to have these fixed ideas of what a trans person should be; quiet, traumatised, sad, intimidated. I am none of these things and when people express shock at this fact, all I hear is that they think I should be.

I hate when people decide to tell me that there are assholes in the world and not to listen to them. I know that you mean well, but do you not think I know that? I have seen absolutely horrific sides to human nature. I am well aware that there are people out there who would happily murder me or who just wish that I didn’t exist. I also know not to care about what they say, I mean the title of my book is “Who Cares?” That wasn’t just a catchy title chosen at random. I wouldn’t have made the choice to broadcast my transition so publicly if the words of others were able to affect me.

I hate when people tell me how great it is that I’m so widely accepted. You’re right, it is great, but it’s also strange to praise everyone for simply being a decent person. I’m sorry but I’m not the freak of nature that some people expect me to be treated like. I’m popular and charismatic and people are drawn to me (this better be true or else I’ll sound like a real asshole). It’s kind of weird that people feel the need to express how normal it would be if everyone spent their days rejecting me.

I hate when people want me to hate my body. People expect me to hate the body that I’m in, and then question whether I’m actually transgender because I don’t. But why should I hate my body? What is the point? I’ve been in this body all of my life and I’m going to be in it for a lot longer. Things may change but it will still be this body. I’m exactly where I need and want to be right now because as much as I’d like to, I can’t speed up this process and I’m not going to spend this time in misery. Of course it’s not that simple for everyone but I’m doing fine. I love where I am and I’ll love where I’ll be after my transition. I love my life. I love myself and I will never apologise for any of it. No matter how confusing other people find that.

I hate when people call me strong for stupid reasons. I am strong. I’m strong because I don’t let anything stop me from doing what I want to. I’m strong because I constantly challenge myself and make myself do things that I may be slightly nervous of doing. I’m strong because I have overcome many obstacles without ever letting them get in the way of my plans. I am not strong for doing day-to-day things. I am not strong for walking down the street. I am not strong for going out at night with my friends. I am not strong for interacting with people every day, never worrying about whether they accept me or not. I am not strong for taking out a tube of red lip balm and applying it while the man standing beside me at the bus stop glares disapprovingly. These are not things that I’ve ever struggled with. This is just me going about my business.

I hate when people feel the need to advise me on what a trans person should do. People tell me to read some book, watch some video or research some topic on a regular basis. They don’t suggest it, they tell me. Thank you, but I think I can decide what I’m interested in. People tell me that the trans person they know had already changed their pronouns by the time they were at my stage. People tell me what they believe I should be doing, saying or thinking based on their knowledge of the trans community, never really stopping to think that my preferences are unique to me. The trans community aren’t an army of like minded people who have the exact same beliefs and desires. Everyone has a different journey and outlook. The only true way to know a person’s preferences is to listen to them.

Do not patronise me just because I was born in the wrong body. Do not assume anything about me because I’m trans. Do not attempt to guide me or help me when I haven’t asked you to. Do I sound fussy or idealistic? Do I sound oversensitive? Do I sound angry? (I’m really not. I’m calmly lying in my bed while writing this). I don’t believe that I’m asking for a lot here. Just for you to treat me like any other person that you’d meet. Because, as much as my ego likes to think otherwise, I am just the same as any cis person and my experiences do not change that.

Watch my nude shoot in which I discuss body dysmorphia below:

Read my advice of what not to do when online dating here.

2 Comments on “Pity

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