I am one of the idiotic people who dabbles in a bit of online dating from time to time. I know what you’re thinking. What could possibly be my motivation? Do I hate myself? Do I have no respect for myself? Am I searching for a meaningless connection? Am I that desperate? The answer is that I don’t take it extremely seriously. I take a relaxed approach to chatting to boys online and I don’t have any unrealistic expectations about it.

The majority of people I speak to; I don’t have a particular connection with. This is fine. I do not invest much time into someone when I speak to them. But every now and again I meet someone that I have a spark with, and it’s nice. This is why I online date. I know there are weirdos. I know the chance of success is not high. I know I’m taking a risk. But I do it anyway.

So below are the things that are a deal breaker for me. The things that turn me off a person. My lists of flaws if you will (flaws of others that is).

Having no picture. 

This is the most basic reason that I turn a person down. I am sorry but if I haven’t seen your face why would I chat to you? You could be a fifty-year-old with gold teeth and an eye patch that you don’t wear for any medical reason. You could be a 12-year-old playing a prank on me. You could be natural blonde. Oh god, I can’t bear the thought of that last one. Look I’m not going to reply to your messages (no matter how persistent you are) unless I’ve seen your face. Does this make me shallow? So be it. If you want to hide your face from people and meet people without them seeing you first, then go ahead. That’s your decision. But I’m not interested in it.

Living miles away.

Believe it or not I’m actually not looking for phone sex or whatever it is that people in long-distance relationships do. I actually want to speak to someone who I have a chance of meeting face-to-face. Why message me when you’re a 20-hour flight away? Do you think I’m rich and own a private plane? Do you think we’ll have our first date over Skype? Or do you just want to sext me until you’re done? How do you even find my profile when I’m nowhere near you? I completely respect people doing the long distance thing but it’s just not something that I could ever see myself doing.

Calling me by a patronising name. 

I don’t know what it is but when someone calls me babe or hun in their first few messages, I cannot take them seriously. You don’t know anything about me. Don’t assume that I’m a babe. I could be a prick for all you know. But seriously, I actually think it’s really demeaning to use a pet name in your first few messages. I do not appreciate it and it makes me like you less. It’s not always a deal breaker, but it does make me less likely to reply.

Dick Pics.

I am sorry but when you start a conversation by sending me a picture of your penis, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I don’t know how to break this to you boys but your penis actually isn’t that pretty. Believe it or not I don’t actually get all hot and bothered upon seeing a picture of that part of your body. What is your motivation?  Do you think you’re doing me a favour? Do you think I sit there hoping my inbox will receive a dick pic? Look, just don’t send them to people unless you’ve been asked to. It’s just weird otherwise.

Referring to yourself as straight. 

I still have my sex as male on dating websites, so any boy who encounters my profile has been searching for “males.” But when they call themselves straight it annoys me. I’m not asking you to refer to yourself as gay or even bi. I completely recognise that it’s not as simple as that in some people’s minds. But you and I both know that you are a male who sought a male’s profile. That means that, by society’s definition, you are not straight. So why pretend otherwise? Why are you trying to hide this side of yourself in a place where you do not need to hide? Why are you desperately clinging to the fact that you’re “straight” as if that’s something to be proud of? I don’t expect you to know what label to choose for yourself. However, choosing the label of straight is just silly to me. Relax. Not everyone has to be straight. I actually suspect that many people who identify as such aren’t (but that’s a whole other issue).

Not being single.

I can’t tell you how often I’m chatting to a boy and he tells me that he has a girlfriend or even worse, a wife (actually they’re probably equally as bad). They tell me infuriating things like “not to worry about it” or “it’s only a bit of fun.” Usually they get annoyed when I object to being their bit on the side. It’s none of my business what you’re doing and I’m certainly not trying to be the moral police but I will not knowingly chat in a romantic way with someone who is in a relationship. Please stop assuming that just because I’m transgender, I won’t have respect for myself. I am not interested in getting with people who are already with another person.

Not making conversation. 

If you’re leaving it up to me to think of every topic of conversation, the messages aren’t going to last very long. I will not carry the entire conversation while you give me one word answers. What part of you thinks that I would? I live for a good conversation and if you won’t provide one, I’ll go elsewhere.

Not being interested in me as a person. 

I am not a fetish. I am not just a body (although I do have a good body). I am not a bit of fun. I can tell straight away whether you’re interested in me as a person or not. Ask me about myself. Have an interest in my dreams and ideas. Don’t just talk about what you want from me or what you expect me to be. Respect me. Respect my wishes. Respect my boundaries.

The defensive blockee.

Occasionally I block people that I’m not interested in. It’s nothing personal. I just don’t have time to politely apologise to each person and tell them that I’m not interested. Especially considering that most people either won’t listen or they get defensive. Maybe it’s rude for me to do this. I wish it weren’t so. But when you make a whole new profile just so you can message me and ask why I blocked you, it’s weird. Respect yourself more than that. Do you think I’m going to say “oh yeah I wasn’t interested before, but now that you’ve made a new profile I’ve changed my mind?” I refuse to believe that I’m that irresistible.

Will I ever quit the online dating game? Who knows? If I want to, I will. But for now it’s a bit of fun. I’m not desperate, I’m not even looking really. I hope to meet many more interesting people through online dating and you never know, maybe I’ll meet someone that I’ll fall in love with. Until then, I will make this experience as enjoyable as I can.

Watch a video about my dating experiences below:

Read about the time I got stood up here. 

2 Comments on “Online Dating-What Not to Do.

  1. Pingback: Pity | Laylah Talks

  2. Pingback: It's Fun to be a Fetish-A glimpse at the fetishisation of transgender women

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