Every time I’ve done an interview about my transition I’ve been asked the same question. Do I want kids?
Why am I asked this? Why does it matter? Is that really a relevant thing for me to discuss at eighteen years of age? It’s as if people are thinking “okay, you’re embarking on this significant journey in which you become a woman, but what happens then? Will you do what a woman is supposed to do and have kids?” The first time I was asked this I didn’t think much of it. But when it happened more than once I felt confused.
Are they forgetting that I’m a teenager? Are they forgetting that I have my whole life ahead of me? Would they ask an eighteen-year-old who wasn’t in my position this question?
Maybe I’m finally experiencing the pressure that society puts on women to have children. Let me repeat my answers to you:
“Children aren’t high on my list of priorities. I have a lot that I want to do with my life. I have many dreams and desires that I’m currently pursuing so I don’t ever think about having children. I never say never though, I know that there are plenty of options there if I wanted to have children, it’s just not a matter that is very important to me at this stage of my life.”
Every time I’ve said this I’ve received a nod and a reassuring smile. Although once I did receive a tight smile and the response; “you’re still young, you’ll probably want them when you’re older.”
I doubt this hasn’t been made clear before, but I despise being patronised. The surest way to make my blood boil is to speak to me like I don’t know my own mind.
The truth is I don’t ever see myself wanting kids. I’m well aware that things change and all of those other clichés but if you sit in front of me today and ask me whether I want kids or not, I have the urge to shout “fuck no” before running from the room screaming “I will never have a uterus” to the world.
But because I cannot do that I instead give the above answer that doesn’t necessarily reflect my actual aversion to having children. I mean, kids are lovely until you have to be responsible for them. You’ve been reading my writing and I’m sure you’re aware that I am an irresponsible, ambitious, slightly narcissistic person and I don’t plan on changing that any time soon. (I do not wish to make out that one can’t be ambitious and want to have children at the same time because I do not believe this at all).
I can’t tell you what’s going to happen in the future. But putting pressure on me to correspond with traditional family roles is wrong. I shall do what I want and if I ever do have a child, I probably won’t be a traditional stay at home mother. I am so okay with that and no one will ever make me feel guilty for it. I do not believe that in order for me to become a woman, I must become a mother.
Disclaimer: I do not believe that anyone who has asked me this meant to insult me and I am not angry at them for doing so. I just believe that it’s the way our society is, and I do resent that fact.
Listen to an episode of my podcast about male rape below:
Read my advice for Dealing With Assholes here.