This was originally a chapter in my second book Just Saying.
As a trans woman, I constantly encounter the numerous expectations that people have for me. But when it comes to the majority of men who want to have sex with me, the expectations are on a whole new level. Here is a list of some of the things that they expect from the ideal trans woman.
You’re expected to think that you’re ugly, unwanted by society and a freak. Every compliment that you receive should be worth an awful lot. These men want to be the one to make you feel beautiful and worth something. As I’m sure we all know by now, I have an extraordinary amount of confidence and I’ve really witnessed these men being thrown off because of this. It confuses and bewilders them. It shocks and appals them. Clearly, they cannot seem to make sense of it.
You are expected to be part of this narrative that you’ve been thrown out by your family for being a “freak of nature.” You’re supposed to be devastated and hurt because of this. You’re not expected to have people who love, support and help you. They don’t want you to have people who want the best for you. They want to be the only one there for you. They want to be the only person that you need.
Unconcerned about the law.
I’ve had men make countless shall we say…indecent proposals. One man wanted to beat me in his bed. Another wanted to drug me (but he did say he wouldn’t kill me or hurt me too much). I had a boy who said “I’m 14 but I don’t think you’re going to care about that.” Apparently when you’re an “unwanted freak,” you’re supposed to be so grateful for the attention that you don’t care about what’s legal and what’s not.
Wants to be subjected.
I generally stay away from dating sites that are suitable for trans people because they’re horrific. There are all these men who want a “sissy girl” to have their way with or want to be “kinky with a freaky lady boy.”
The sad thing is that there are so many cross-dressers who seem to desire just that. I’m unsure of my opinion on crossdressers, but I do resent their tendency to use the trans section of dating sites in order to further fetishise transgender people.
These men seem to believe that I should want or expect nothing more than to be their toy for the night and then walk home afterwards feeling grateful that someone actually wanted to touch me. I think that sexually, we should be allowed live out whatever fantasy we want (to an extent) but I’m extremely sick of people assuming that all I want is to be subjected.
Doesn’t have a personality.
Some men don’t really seem to care about my sense of humour or my self-esteem. They don’t really want to feel a spark or anything because they don’t want to see me as anything more than a play-thing.
Won’t ask questions.
These guys refuse to send me face pictures or tell me their real name. They won’t be honest with me about where they work or even whereabouts they are living. They expect me to be okay with that. They expect me not to step out of line and ask them uncomfortable questions.
Will settle for anything.
Let me tell you a story of an incident that absolutely horrified me. A few weeks ago I had a 25-year-old message me asking if I was “interested in sucking a straight guy’s hard dick.” His profile said the following: “I will lie on my bed naked with my top half covered with my duvet so you will just see legs, dick and balls. You come in, suck a load out and leave. No talking and we never see each other.” I replied informing him that I thought he was repulsive.
But he didn’t stop there. He asked me would I not just suck it for him before sending me a dick-pic. I replied saying “please fuck off you absolute creep” to which he said “fuck you you fucking tranny” with atrocious spelling. That’s what I am when I’m not an obedient sex toy; a fucking tranny.
Doesn’t have their own life.
I recently had a guy message me completely out of the blue telling me that he had the week off. He said that he would have sex with me at some point and to wait for his message so he could let me know the time that best suited him. He asked me to stay online as much as possible so that I could be ready. I had never spoken to him before and I certainly had no desire to meet him for sex. I also had a really busy week (these days, I don’t seem to have much else) that week and would not have been able to meet him even if I had wanted to. But none of that appeared to cross his mind. He just assumed that I would be ready and waiting for the time that he decided he wanted to fuck me.
Has no boundaries.
Just the other day I had an attractive man message me. But pretty soon afterwards he informed me that he was happy to find me because “all the trannies on here are Asian and that’s so not what I’m looking for.” Obviously this was quite a large warning sign and rather than waste my energy, I blocked him. I didn’t think much more about it.
That was, until I woke up to a Facebook friend request from him and a message calling me a “snake” for blocking him. This man had gone to the effort of tracking down my Facebook and messaging me all because I blocked him for making an offensive comment. But we can’t have the tranny stepping out of line now can we?
I completely understand that everyone goes through horrific experiences when it comes to online dating but after reading this, one must admit that I have to put up with quite a lot. It can be frustrating to have all of these assumptions and expectations concerning my romantic desires but I intend to continue to unapologetically demand the respect that I deserve from every man that I encounter. Because contrary to popular belief, I’m really not that desperate.
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