I’m in a nightclub doing my thing. Loud music. Dancing. A packed floor. Jumping in time to the music. Staring straight ahead or laughing with my friends. Taking sips from a long straw or a wine glass. Tossing my hair. Swaying my hips. Occasionally catching people’s eyes and smiling. Enjoying myself immensely.
A stranger will approach. Say something into my ear. I have really bad hearing so I’ll just nod as I try to figure out what they’re after. An arm around my waist. Their breath on my face. I lean in and kiss them.
Then…what? Do I tell them what my situation is? Should I have done that before I kissed them? Is it wrong to identify as male and present as female in a romantic setting?
Last year I was kissed by a stranger who had been watching me for a while. I was dressed in jeans, a long shirt and a cardigan and he had his eye on me from the beginning, that I knew.
I was ignoring him because I wasn’t that interested, until he stood up and I saw that he was about six foot four. Guys, come on! A tall guy. I know you get it.
He approached me and shouted something in my ear, which I couldn’t hear. He asked my name and I told him it was David. He kept talking to me but I couldn’t hear him over the music. We were in the middle of a dance floor and I was very conscious of the fact that there were a number of people who I knew, but didn’t know very well standing around us.
I took his hand and lead him off to a quiet corner. Instead of asking what he had been trying to on the dancefloor, he kissed me. It kind of took my breath away to be honest. He was tall, muscled, and he was a very good kisser. My brain was overtaken by a sparkly sensation as I realised that I was kissing a boy I fancied.
After a while, he ruined it. He started begging me to go home with him and I was not in the mood. I refused and he got more insistent. I told him I should be getting back to my friends and he pulled out his phone, keeping me pressed up against the wall with his crotch. He asked me to add him on Facebook so I typed in my name and clicked add. I’d just delete him when I got home.
“Wait David?” He asked and I immediately tensed up. His hearing obviously wasn’t that great either. I just nodded meekly. “Are you a boy?” He asked me. “For now,” I said, trying not to tremble. He stepped back in horror, a flash of panic on his face. I immediately bolted back to the dancefloor. I wasn’t going to wait around to see how he processed this information. I ran back to my girlfriends and after a few minutes, I was giggling about the situation. Whoops.
This boy obviously didn’t realise that I wasn’t a “girl” but how badly off was he? He kissed a person he was attracted to and he was definitely enjoying it before he discovered what was between my legs. I don’t really have that much sympathy. Also I really did believe that he was aware. After all, he’d been watching me for a long time before he approached me.
I was a little bit freaked but my girlfriends calmed me down and within an hour I was kissing someone else. What? Don’t judge me. This time, he knew my name and my situation.
So now that I’m becoming more stereotypically feminine, I’m a bit confused over what I should do. Do I declare the fact that I’m a male to every boy I speak to on a night out? Do I wait for them to figure it out on their own and risk them getting angry or violent? Do I just avoid boys all together?
It’s confusing. I don’t want to mislead anyone into kissing me (although they could have a much worse experience) but I don’t really wish to act as though I need to declare my circumstance to everybody as though I’m begging them to accept me or something.
I’ve decided to treat each case individually. I won’t kiss someone unless I’m certain they’re aware of my situation but I also won’t exactly declare it from the outset. I’ll tell them my name and I’ll maybe drop some other hints but that’s about as much as I can do for the poor fucker.
If they do mistakenly kiss me, they’ll be fine.
In fact, I’m quite a good kisser.
Read about telling people my name on nights out here.
Watch a video about the fetishisation of trans women below: