Now that I’ve made my ebook “Who Cares? Life for an Irish Transgender Teen” free to the public (you can download the full thing here), I’ve decided to publish the chapters here on my website. Below is a chapter from this book which was published in April 2016.
I’ve mentioned my bad opinion of men and I feel like I should explain myself. Once again I do not intend to offend anybody with this chapter but I probably will because people love to find an excuse to be offended by reasonable arguments. Please bear in mind that I grew up in a small, rural area. Also bear in mind that I was and am friends with many boys that I respect and appreciate. I am not trying to generalise all men. I’m just being as honest as I can. This bad opinion of men is not something that I acknowledge to myself very often but it is definitely there. It is difficult for me to talk about it but that’s not going to stop me. Some would like to blame this outlook on the lack of a positive male figure in my life. Sorry to disappoint, but I have a great relationship with my father and I always have. I also have numerous male relations who I respect and admire.
When did this begin? That’s difficult to answer. Probably not until after puberty. I was born a boy obviously and I was sent to an all boy’s school for a few years. I got on fine there and had many friends. In my mixed school my friends were mostly girls but I still socialised and was friendly with many boys. When I got into secondary school, I was friendly with some boys but not that friendly. We all began to grow up and people noticed a difference in me. I wasn’t a “lad” that you could joke about farts, pussys and penis sizes with, but I wasn’t a girl that you could stick your dick into either. Who was this long, skinny awkward thing that unashamedly answered questions in class and made jokes that everyone laughed at? How are we supposed to act towards said thing? I found myself unable to relate to boys and they found themselves unable to relate to me. My previously mentioned tormentors were always boys. Boys who felt the need to assert themselves through pathetically targeting me.
I believe that I became horrified by the world of masculinity. A world in which people had to walk on eggshells. A world where people are considered cool if they’ve gotten a lot of pussy and they make sexist jokes. A world where it’s considered “gay” to talk about love or dreams or to cry when you’re upset. A word where you laugh at the gay boy while drawing penises all over your friend’s stationery. I wasn’t laughed at by the way. At least not to my face. I was popular amongst the girls and the boys were fine with me because I was funny. They would laugh at a joke that I made and then ten minutes later laugh at a gay joke that one of them made. It was all very hypocritical really. I don’t know if this is what boys are really like. I don’t know if the boys in your town are different. I don’t know if the boys in my town were different. But this is the world that I could see and I wanted no part of it. I retreated further and further behind my girlfriends. While they were kissing boys at the local discos I was sitting with the girls who were taking a break and making them laugh. I make myself sound really pathetic don’t I? I was quite happy with this arrangement honestly. I was young and carefree and I didn’t want or expect any more for myself.
I think masculinity is so fragile. You can only wear pink when you’re being ironic. You have to talk about sex constantly. You’re obsessed with the penis dangling between your legs and probably think about it at least every five minutes. You only wear makeup as a joke and cheat on the girl that you’re with for the fun of it. You play sports to feel manly and make fun of those who can’t. You don’t talk about your feelings or express yourself. You just copy what the “top dog” of your class does. You disguise your real opinions and feelings behind jokes that are insulting to others. It looks so exhausting. Get over yourselves. The world is so much bigger than you and your penis and your sport. I’m sorry, I’m being rude aren’t I? I’m not trying to make a generalisation here. I know that all boys aren’t like this. I know that a lot of boys also don’t want to be like this. I know that some boys don’t have a choice but to be like this. I also know that boys grow up and stop being stupid but bear in mind that I’m eighteen and most of the boys that I know are around this age too. I’m sorry boys. I think society broke you. I think this new world of equality and respect may be leaving you behind. I think you would have fit in a lot better 15 years ago. Or maybe you do fit in to this world. Maybe you just don’t fit into my world.
There’s something that I say to my friends often. “I curse myself all the time for being attracted to men.” I am joking when I say this mostly. Men are beautiful, I love them and I hope to fall in love with lots of different men throughout my life. But I find myself terrified in the company of new men. I get awkward around them. I don’t expect them to dislike me but I don’t particularly expect them to like me either. I’ve really seen the ugly side of the male spectrum. I’ve seen nice aspects too but not often. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen plenty of ugly aspects of the female spectrum too. But I can relate to girls. I just can. I’m sorry for being so honest. I’m probably making male readers squirm while they read this book, in secret of course because it would be humiliating to read that trans person’s book in broad daylight. I’m probably being optimistic even thinking that any young boys will read this. Am I underestimating you? Prove it. Show me the nice side of masculinity. Become a nice, accepting person. Stop celebrating rape culture. Learn what rape culture is. Read books, read articles. Broaden your horizons. Learn what’s going on in the world. Close that porn site for a few minutes and use your laptop to discover things. Treat your girlfriends and boyfriends nicely. Stop bullying people. Stop being so cruel. Help to make the world a better place
Read more Who Cares? here.
Buy Who Cares? here.
Watch the ideal transgender woman below: