I would definitely label myself a survivor, but sometimes it’s been to my own detriment. I saw it as my responsibility to overcome my obstacles that were in my way. I burdened myself with a need to handle different situations in a “correct” way.
It was really harmful to think this way and ultimately it lead me to burn out. By the time I arrived in the hospital, I had exhausted my defence mechanisms. I was completely vulnerable to anything and everything
So much so that I became a bit more of a victim. Someone jokingly said in the hospital that I was well able to feel sorry for myself and I was surprised. That was probably the first time I’d been told something like that. But it was true. At the time I had a very negative mindset. I think it was necessary for a while to recognise all the hurt and sadness that I’d been suppressing.
Currently I’m in an odd stage. I can feel some of my survivor tendencies returning to me, but I’m still quite aware of the things I’m a victim of.
Through my therapies I’m trying to accept certain things. One of those things is that my life is a bit more difficult than the average cis person’s because of my transition. That’s a really hard thing for me to come to terms with, but to be a survivor, I must be aware of the ways in which I’m a victim instead of suppressing them.
Read about my call for help here.